Santa Claus Faith

My good friend Bryan recently posted an article on his blog (http://www.bryandavidson.blogspot.com/) that he wanted me to tell him what I thought. I got to writing and decided to express my thoughts on this page.

Bryan, first I have to wonder about the flip in time. I see you posted this article at 7pm and here I am leaving a comment at 1am. Are we switching sleep schedules? I hope not!

As for the letter, wow, I loved reading it. I felt like I was actually in your heart. It sounds like you may need to get that left ventricle checked out. That could be part of the "pain" you are experiencing. :) Sorry, my sanguine is coming out.

Seriously, the paragraph that begins with a quote from Oswald Chambers really struck me at this moment.

Oswald Chambers once said, “It is much easier to do something than to trust God.” The only way to know the living glorious God is to walk with him. Chambers alludes that we would rather work for him than believe him. The challenge arises to believe in him which intersects with believing him. The true litmus test for a community of followers of Jesus is to find out if they are living what they claim to believe. It’s sad when ministers water down truth and accept the condition of these confused folk. They accept it because they too don’t truly believe it. If I want to find out how much someone believes in this truth then all I need to do is find out what they care about. Do there beliefs give a slab to what they care about?

I feel like I do not trust God right now. I honestly feel like I would rather work for him than believe him. I think that if I were to go through such a litmus test, to the deepest of my heart and soul, it would reveal that I am not “living what I claim to believe.” There is always a battle that rages in my heart and mind. Even now I want to say “ah Shane, your so hard on your self. No one is perfect, why should you get so down on your self?” But I know for a fact that I spend a majority of my life seeking to please myself. Some how I have become addicted to myself. I eat when I want, I sleep when I want, I (to a point) buy what I want to buy. It’s all about me. I am the star actor in the all about me movie. Why is it so hard to trust in God? Is it because he doesn’t do what I want him to do? Following Christ would be great if He did everything I wanted Him to do exactly when I wanted him to do wouldn’t it? I guess if that were true He wouldn’t be God, He would be a genie in a bottle and would only feed my self-indulgent addiction.

See, this goes against what I “believe.” I am supposed to believe that “dieing is gain,” that I am to “pick up my cross and die” to self. I also believe that I am to “consider other better than my self.” I am confused to about what it will take for me to actually live what I believe. Sometimes I think faith in Jesus is like believing in Santa Clause that if I could only truly believe with absolutely no doubt, then Santa will leave a present for me. But for all who do not believe they just miss out. I try to make myself believe so hard in Jesus so that I can “move mountains,” wither fig trees, walk on water, heal sick people, and every person I ever talked to about Jesus would believe too. I get so confused at times, especially at 1am. Maybe this is all due to over tiredness and this, like a night of drinking, I will wake up the neck morning regretting all I said and did. Oh well, what are blogs for anyway?

Along with that I like these two paragraphs:

Erwin McManus is one of the leaders God has used to shape my thinking. He shares how the post-modern culture is taking us into new textures. At the same time he said the modern church sees discipleship as primarily doctrinal training. “A mature Christian was someone who knew his Bible. Good citizenship was expected of everyone. This was not an unreasonable paradigm, but it was a dangerous one. Before post-modernism, the church enjoyed the positive influence of a culture shaped by the Christian faith. Life change became a lost art because most people appeared "together," says McManus. He says as things evolved we are becoming powerless to help those who are hurting and have fallen into a grip in the power of sin. Now we don’t know how to make disciples any more. The church just can’t handle the culture.

“Restoring broken lives requires conviction, commitment, and community. Unfortunately, even when the church wants to help, often it assumes it doesn't have the power to heal. We profess that Jesus changes lives, but with broken people we tend to rely on psychotherapy. We'll entrust Jesus with the small stuff, but we refer out the really big problems to Freud,” says McManus.

I feel like this, I want to go to some leadership guru or some expert mentor so show me what I am doing wrong instead of relying on Jesus. But at the same time sometimes it seems like Jesus does not come through on all of my requests all the time. Again, I want Him to take care of it NOW! McManus is right about the church thinking discipleship is learning doctrine or educating about the bible. As far as knowledge goes, I was home schooled by missionaries, I went to a Christian University, I went to Elmer Towns Sunday school class for crying out loud! I know what I am “supposed to believe.” Now why is it so hard to put into practice?

So not sure were all that came from, maybe I need to take a look at my left ventricle? Maybe I need to change my vocabulary and thinking and let Jesus take a look at my left ventricle?

Anyway this all started out in an attempt to give Bryan some feed back. Thanks for sharing your heart with me. I also respect your love and devotion to your family. You have some incredible in-laws that’s for sure! I envy the dialog you enjoy with your in-laws. That is a special thing.

Well, its 1:15 am. I have not seen those numbers since this afternoon!

Good night.